


Starlight Inquiries

by Axolitl



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-31
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-10-13 08:57:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10510509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Axolitl/pseuds/Axolitl
Summary: Thinking is dangerous, but it’s time I started. Even if I die here, tonight, nothing will change, because the planets will continue to move, and the stars will continue to shine. So why the hell not, right? Questions keep me alive. The thirst for impossible knowledge tears at me and rips me apart so violently. So I pose this to you: Do I have reason?





	

**Author's Note:**

> The long awaited Starlight Inquiries! This first chapter alone took me over a year to finish. Life gets in the way and things HAPPEN. But that is what this story is about, life is messy and nothing every works out how you planned it to, but they do end amazing. Thank you everyone for your support and inspiration. This story is a collection of personal thoughts, goals and my introverted adventures collected into something for you, the reader.
> 
> A HUGE thank you to Stephanie for editing and making everything readable and enjoyable. You have good taste and an amazing talent!  
> Thank you!

_Thinking is dangerous, but it’s time I started. Even if I die here, tonight, nothing will change, because the planets will continue to move, and the stars will continue to shine. So why the hell not, right? Questions keep me alive. The thirst for impossible knowledge tears at me and rips me apart so violently. So I pose this to you: Do I have reason?_

I lay on the hood of the car, my back to its worn, dusty red hood warmed by days of relentless sun, even after the light had long since disappeared to let the night sky flourish. Time was a forgotten concept, a breath of a memory in that moment watching the stars suspended above me like they were on strings, dangling from some vast ceiling just out of reach. I looked over at the young man beside me, feet on the bumper, attention not at all on the sky above, but rather focused on the distant horizon— and his cigarette.

The way he took a drag from that roll was enchanting; I had always thought so, the way the man would pull it to his inviting lips, letting the smoke fill his lungs, then back out with his slow exhale in wondrous swirls that floated up into nothingness. I could have watched it all day, watch him smoke until his lungs gave out on him – but a part of me ached at the thought of him gone. How could something so beautiful, so magical, be so dangerous? It was truly a shame.

“I know you’re staring.” 

It was his voice that broke the silence, his words stealing me away from my study of his lips. I let his observation hang unanswered in the open air for several moments, unsure if he was trying to interact with me or simply reassuring himself that speaking, and listening, were not lost arts. 

“I can’t help myself, Hux,” I replied. A smile tugged at my lips. To say admitting to that felt good would have been an understatement; it gave me a rush of something which I couldn't have named for the life of me. Satisfaction, was it?

Suddenly I was questioning myself, wondering if I should have even mentioned anything. When the corners his perfect lips curled just the slightest as he took another drag, however, these doubts faded. I caught myself staring once again, but quickly snapped my wandering gaze away before he took notice.

I tried to turned my eyes up to the stars, folding my hands behind my head. It wasn’t long before they were drifting back to Hux. While I truly do love stars, I could look at them any night; the sight of Hux was something to be cherished whenever the chance arose. 

His hair, a deep, rich orange caught anyone’s attention in a crowd, and his eyes, a likewise brilliant turquoise, reflected the starlight perfectly from any angle. I couldn’t see those eyes from my position, though, only the back of his head, but I knew that they still held within them the endless, unexplainable emotions, never to be spoken aloud. His shoulders were made broad under the old, worn jacket he didn’t need in Nevada’s absurdly hot summer nights.

“Hux, have you ever..-” I trailed off, not sure if I lost the rest of the question, or just didn’t want to finish it. He looked back at me, eyes coaxing me to hear the rest. Hux slowly quirked an eyebrow to emphasize his interest. “- been in love?” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to clarify that I didn’t mean relationship, but in love, because I knew the difference and I hoped he did too.  
Hux just watched me for a while, leaving me utterly clueless as to what could be on his mind. He was thinking, I knew, but of what- or rather- of who? He had to have loved someone before, it’s inevitable, isn’t it? Falling for someone, being in a relationship or not, he must have truly loved someone at some point in his life.

“My mother.” The ginger spoke after giving it a while of thought, turning away from me again. His words stunned me for a minute. His mother. That’s a shocking answer- not exactly what I meant but it wasn’t a wrong answer. A mother’s boy – how sweet. A smile crept onto my lips at the thought of the man beside me being a momma’s boy; it was unexpectedly sweet of him, you wouldn’t get that thought from just looking at him. I got a rush of importance, seeing as to how he entrusted me with this information - and it didn’t seem like something he’d go around saying to just anyone. 

“How about anyone besides your family? Have you ever had a partner?” Pressing for a little more, I may have been pushing my luck, too. 

“A few partners. Nothing that was…satisfying. Nobody’s looking for the same things I am, because if it’s not authentic and passionate..” he paused for a moment, “I don’t want it. It turned out those people weren’t the right match, that’s all.” Hux took another drag before dropping his cigarette on the ground and stepping on it. “What about yourself?” He looked at me again and I swore my heart missed a beat when my eyes met his. That couldn’t be any good..

“M-me..?” I stuttered out, not expecting him to really care enough to ask. “I’ve had one girlfriend in the past…it lasted a long time but we started to change, I guess. We got new interests, drifted apart. Eventually we broke up and… we didn't talk after that.” I shrugged, looking at the sky again. I didn’t know how I felt about her anymore; she was a chapter in my life that’s passed. I think about her, of course I do, but not the same way I used to. It’s an odd feeling, looking back on something like a past relationship where you were in love, and now you’re not anymore. Empty isn't the right word, because I’m fine without her, better without her, but she was something I once loved and no longer do. That was all. A closed chapter. 

I filled my lungs with as much air as I could before pushing it all out in a deep breath, feeling my heart beat in my chest. Hux lay down beside me, on his back as well with his hands resting on his stomach. I could feel my heart pick up a little. I hadn’t been this close with someone in a long time, both physically and emotionally; it was fulfilling. I turned my head to face Hux and smiled when he returned the stare. 

“We won’t sleep tonight.” Hux spoke, his voice a gentle, rolling wave that crashed onto the beach- or rather, me- in a hush. I knew what he said was true because, if he wasn’t shutting his eyes to rest, I wouldn’t be either. Did he ever rest, I ask myself without making a sound, finding myself lost in his eyes again. So deep and rich that no matter how long you’ve been away, you never could forget them, not even if you tried. Why would you ever want to, anyways? You would never find the same eyes in a million years, so it was best to get your fill while you could, and let them keep you up months later, missing, but never becoming foggy.

“I know.” My voice was much softer than I intended, revealing a warmth in my words I had only shown to one other that was lost a year ago. It was an accident I didn’t regret and I was content when the mood didn’t seem to shift at all and it was still comfortable whether we spoke or not. Staring was fine now, considering he didn’t look to be taking his eyes off mine any time soon either. I pondered silently about what could be running through his head and considered the possibility he was wondering the same thing about me. If I prodded, would he give an honest answer? I would never find out if I never asked, but it was a curse to be so curious, yet so shy. Sometimes things are better left unsaid.

Words piled up in my head, wanting to make their way out of my mouth, but I shoved them back. It’s for the best, I convinced myself. My mind wanders off again, remembering that everything seems so irrelevant here and now, and the only thing stopping me from getting up and flailing my arms like a maniac or running away and never glancing over my shoulder to see if Hux was watching, was me. The barrier that stood between the words in my scrambled brain and the air surrounding me was myself. In the past, I never really took these risks- they were risks to me because I never did anything dangerous- maybe because, presented with a situation where I _could_ take a risk, I never did. I fooled myself with the justification that if I didn’t take any risks, I couldn’t ever be harmed; how would I ever get anywhere if I listened, though?

“Hux-“ Met with his gaze, regret stirs in the pit of my stomach, filling me with the desire to flee I know I cannot act upon. “There's something I need to tell you. I don’t want to leave without having said it.” 

A moment of hesitation throws me off; I want to back out of this, but it is likely he would persist. I'm silent for a moment while my heart skips a few beats, maybe for longer than I originally intended. Wracked by dizzying panic, I'm not even sure I know what I was going to say. After taking a deep breath I open my mouth and shut my eyes, but nothing comes out. Another jolt of panic electrifies my senses, heart loud in my chest, in my ears. God, I’m sure even he could hear it by now.

I scavenge all the courage I can muster and take another deep breath. Hux is watching me with his inquisitive, blue eyes, but I cannot let that bother me. This is what I want: he's listening. _Listening to me._

With what little strength I gathered in such a short time, I speak, voice quivering and palms drenched. 

“I–" My voice fails me again until I suck in a deep breath, willing myself to continue. “I love you."

Masses of relief and anxiety wash over me both at once. I feel like crying, running from the fate I've sealed, but I know I'm better then cowardice. Anyway, I already made the commitment to confess my feelings. Face hot, I hope that at least the redness in my cheeks as I blush serves to blur the differentiation between his car and me. To simply disappear would be a miracle; knowing what I've said, though, and needing to hear his reaction, I am me rooted in place. Tangled in my own web, I muse. Nothing good could come from this, right?


End file.
